The Refiner's Fire

There are times when words won't seem to express the thoughts and feelings of the heart. And no matter how hard I try it falls short.

I have been reflecting over this last year much and trying to find the words to describe what I have come to know. I have found myself much through this year saying in my heart, "Lord, I hope you know I am having a hard time." So many emotional experiences that I didn't expect to have seemingly one on top of another.

I found my heart pleading to have the gratitude that I knew in my mind I should have. I found myself asking why when I didn't understand. I found myself wondering is life doomed? I found myself in a lot of pain in my heart and alone. I felt heartache for the loss of friendship. I felt frustration at life's circumstances. I felt emotionally exhausted.

Through all the experiences I cried my heart out to the Lord. I knew he would listen and he was the one who could understand, teach me, and heal my pain. In my moments of struggle as I went to the Lord I gained greater wisdom and insight as I lived the lessons he wanted to teach me.

These are a few of the Lessons:

1.) Righteous Women are a blessing in our lives: I have often heard the Prophet and Apostles talk about the influence of a righteous woman. I often think of their influence and strength for a man, but this year I came to appreciate so much more their influence in my life. I am surrounded by some amazing women who live and love the gospel. They are my best friends and even though we may live in different parts of the country, they have made some of the greatest impacts on my life. They have picked up the phone when I called late at night sobbing, they have taken me on adventures, they have listened, and they have shared. We survived the year together, supporting one another, teaching one another, and reminding each other that "We Can Do It" just like Rosie the Riveter said.

2.) Families are a part of Heavenly Father's plan of happiness:My understanding has increased on the importance of families in our lives. This one is maybe the hardest for me to explain what is in my heart. I can't express the desires or heartache felt for not yet having the opportunity/challenge of creating my own family nor can I adequately express the great love and joy I receive from my parents and brothers and sisters. What I know is that our family are some of the most important people in our lives, whether we are born into them, chosen by them, or choose them. Those relationships are the most important and valued in my life and always worth the greatest expressions of my love.

3.) Hold On: When life gets you down, when your house burns down, when your heart is broken, when you lose a loved one or friend, when you are lonely, when all seems lost, when you feel like life is doomed, when you feel like you want to give in... Hold On! What do you hold on to? Christ. Pray, study the scriptures, listen to words of a Prophet and Apostles, Pray, and live the Gospel. I promise with all my heart it is worth it. It is worth it, Just Hold On! Let the Lord be your strength when you have none. Give your heart to him. Be humble and repentant, let the pride go, let forgiveness wash over you, and accept his will. What I know is that his will is better than my own. And then trust that he will lead your paths as you let go of your will and desires and follow His. Trust that you will be filled with joy and happiness. Sometimes it takes time, sometimes we have to go through the storms and feel them no matter how excruciating, but Hold On, because God is with us!

4.) Happiness comes from serving: Some of my greatest joys have come from serving others. From paying attention to needs or just wanting to express love to another. My heart has been filled with great joy as I have been able to teach my wonderful 12 and 13 year old friends from church. It is an adventurous teaching experience and during it I have felt their love, I have seen their testimonies, and I have come to love them.

5.) Trust in God: I feel that this lesson has been taught to me over and over throughout my years in different experiences. Mosiah 24:12-16 describes many of the lessons I have learned this year as a result of trusting in him. My burdens (heartache) was lightened, I felt strengthened, I became a better disciple of Christ, I came closer to Christ, learned to cheerfully submit my will to God's in patience, most importantly learned to a greater degree that God is with us in our adversity and sorrows. I also learned the importance of grief as well as time. These lessons were not immediate or immediately embraced. The lessons grew line upon line and precept upon precept. It has been a continual progression of learning and growth and that growth and progression will continue to occur.

6.) Embrace the lessons of the scriptures:The people of the scriptures have become my friends. Ruth is a continual source of inspiration for me. Joseph of Egypt has become a new found friend. One of my favorite lessons learned from him is in Genesis 50:17-21. Despite the way his brothers treated him, despite his less than ideal circumstances throughout his life he succeeded because he always looked to God and lived his faith. When his brothers feared that with their father gone Joseph would treat them unkindly his response to them was "Am I in the place of God?... God meant it unto good, to bring to pass, as it is this day, to save much people alive." His circumstances were often difficult, unfair, and no fault of his own. He would seemingly have every right to be upset, frustrated, and mad at the world, but he chose to accept and live God's will and for that he and multitudes of others were blessed. In his acceptance of God's will and forgiveness towards his brothers he also allowed them to see and understand mercy and allowed them the ability to repent for their wrongdoings. He gave them freedom to choose differently. He condemned their sins by saying, "ye thought evil against me..." but then showed forth an outpouring of love, "fear ye not... and comforted them, and spake kindly unto them."

President James E Faust expressed well some of the things I have come to appreciate this year in a talk he gave. In this talk he said, "The Divine Shepherd has a message of hope, strength, and deliverance for all. If there were no night, we would not appreciate the day, nor could we see the stars and the vastness of the heavens. We must partake of the bitter with the sweet. There is a divine purpose in the adversities we encounter every day. They prepare, they purge, they purify, and thus they bless."

2010 was the sweet and 2011 was the bitter. Such contrasting years it makes me want to laugh and cry all at the same time. :) There were bitter moments in 2010 and there were sweet moments in 2011. 2010 was my year to learn from Mary , the mother of Jesus, as I was chosen and 2011 was my year to learn from Elisabeth, the mother of John the Baptist, as I have waited for desired blessings. I have learned from Abraham of sacrifice and waiting patiently. I have learned from modern day Apostles of Waiting upon the Lord.

We each have our different experiences that teach us the same lessons, that carve us, that refine us. I have become so grateful for these lessons that I have learned that my heart has finally felt the gratitude my mind knew it should. I have become so grateful for the miracles that I have seen as a result of the things that have happened around me this year that my heart has been filled with joy and peace and gratitude. I have become so grateful for happiness in my life and those things that bring me joy. I have become grateful for the refiner's fire and the person the Lord sees that I can be and not limiting me. I climbed my mountain and the view has been breathtaking as I have thought of the love of God.

This next year I look forward to the Faith to move mountains, I look forward to having new experiences, and I look forward to enjoying old experiences.

Goodbye 2011 Hello 2012!

Happy New Year!

Beautiful Heartbreak

These lyrics from Hilary Weeks are an echo of the words and love that I feel for my Heavenly Father that filled my heart on Sunday.

Every fear, every doubt,
All the pain I went through;
Was the price that I paid to see this view;
And now that I'm here I would never trade...

The grace that I feel,
And the faith that I find;
Through the bitter-sweet tears,
And the sleepless nights;

I used to pray he'd take it all away,
But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak.

I never dreamed my heart would make it,
I thought about [running away];
But heaven has shown me miracles,
I never would have seen from the ground.

Now I take the rain with the sunshine,
Cause there's one thing that I know;
He picks up the pieces,
Along each broken road.

A Disciple of Christ

I attended the funeral of a true disciple of Christ today, Darryl Townsend.
I knew him because he is the Father of my wonderful sister-in-law Kami.

As I listened to the stories shared by her, her brothers, and Sister Townsend I came to know of his love for our Savior better than I had known.

A family always knows us the best and his family shared that he was a spiritual giant and a master teacher. You could see it by the presence of so many in the room coming to pay their respects to a man who had touched their lives in one way or another.

My life will forever be touched by his because my brother made the wise decision to bring his only daughter into our family. As I have spent time with her I have seen her joy in life, her dedication to the gospel, and her unconditional love of others.

She is a great mom, raising my niece and will forever be a blessing to those who surround her. I can see in her the lessons and principles that her father taught her, and she will now carry on to her children.

I left his funeral with an even greater desire to serve the Lord. To do it in strength and unapologetic-ally. In a world that often frowns on those with faith, I received a greater witness that this is truly what life is about and that this life prepares us to continue in that work of our Heavenly Father's Kingdom.

Darryl Townsend was a Disciple of Christ on this earth, and he continues to be a Disciple of Christ, sharing his love, his testimony, and his devotion with those who did not have the opportunity to hear the gospel on this earth. He will continue to bless the lives of the living as well as those who have passed on.

Thank you for the legacy you have left and the inspiration that you continue to provide!

Happy Halloween

Why is this tutu so awesome you ask? Because I just thought of the idea this morning and made it myself in a few hours. It is pretty much rockin! Who doesn't love wearing a tutu? To bad the 80's is no longer in style. ;)

I want a Truck

I was reading a friends blogpost about the different trucks she has leased throughout the years and I felt the familiar rising of a desire to own a truck.

Why I don't own one

Gas Mileage

Why it would be awesome to own one

I find trucks Powerful and Sexy!

It's the truth!

The Strength of my Family

Sunday night my family were the rescuers.

I talked to my sister, Laura, on the phone as they made sandwiches and helped to make sure that all members of the ward who had been evacuated had a place to stay and something to eat.

Monday morning I woke up early unable to sleep and called my sister Shannon to ask what was happening with the fires. A family had stayed in our home that night, because the fire was terrorizing their neighborhood.

That morning they had a meeting at my families home to discuss plans of action in taking care of the families evacuated from their homes. My mom baked muffins with some women and pulled out hamburger meat to thaw for dinner for the evacuated. My dad left with my brothers and sister to help my brother Willie move his things into a new home. I went for a fun day at Schlitterbahn.

My families country home on a fun cold afternoon.



Around 11 that morning I received a frantic phone call from my mother in a voice I have never heard her use telling me in a short phrase that there was fire, she was evacuating and she loved me.

The Greenwell family had been staying with them and at the time Sister Greenwell and her daughter Crystal were at the house with my mother. Sister Greenwell and Crystal had gone outside to grab some things from their car to bring into the house. When they first went outside there was nothing. Then Crystal turned her head to the left saw the smoke right across the street from my parents home, ripped her headphones out of her ears and warned her mother. My mother was sitting on the couch getting ready to write my brother Seth currently serving in the Los Angeles Mission when Sister Greenwell came into the house and asked her to come outside. When my mom came to the door she saw the black smoke and flames shooting 20 feet into the sky. Without knowing how the fire would spread they needed to leave immediately. My mother rushed to grab the harddrive to the family computer, her purse, and keys to the car.

My family had previously planned to meet up at the Del Valle Middle School if a situation ever occurred where the house needed to be left and they were all in different areas. That plan for the first time ever went into effect when my mom called to tell my dad of the fire. I stayed in contact with my family throughout the day to receive updates. The blessing was that all were safe.

We learned from a ward member who had a chance to get into the area before it was completely closed off that our house was still fine and the fire seemed to have gone around it. We hoped that our house would be ok. When my family was allowed back into the area they found our 2 story country house reduced to a heap of ash and metal with a few flames still shooting out of it. Later we found out from the firemen that the house had been counted by the fire dept in the area as intact. A picture had been taken by the fire dept to document it and they continued down the road to other homes. When they turned around and came back up the road, they were in front of our house when it blew up and consequently burst into flames and was reduced to the pile of metal and ashes.

As my family was taking their first glances of what used to be their house a woman from ACC was taking pictures and my father asked her if she would take their picture in front of the windmill which had a sign stating "United We Stand." He later stated that "this would be the beginning of our new family album."

I talked with Shannon as my parents were walking around Wal Mart gathering toothbrushes, and bare essentials. Here my mother had the thought occur to her that she was now considered homeless. Walking around Wal Mart in Bastrop they were not alone in being considered homeless. It seemed that everyone was in their shoes.

My family went from being the rescuers to becoming the rescued in a matter of hours. My father told a reporter "Thirty years of marriage went away in a couple of hours," said Clements, "but we're starting new memories and building new photo albums, and we're going to press forward." Friends poured in with offers of places for my family to stay, thoughts and prayers were given, food was made.

Needless to say my family was shocked with the loss of everything they owned. That night I prepared myself to be strong for my family as I knew that this would be a trying time for them. We all gathered together and over the next few hours that evening I watched as Benjamin my 14 year old brother teared up when he thought of his recent birthday gifts that he had received that he no longer had. I quickly went and gave him a hug. My sister Laura sad because a project she had been working hard on for school - destroyed. I helped do the laundry so that they would have clean clothes to wear for the next day. All they had was the clothes on their back. I learned that all the animals were alive (we were unsure of our cat that could not be found as my mom quickly searched, we only knew that he had been outside of the house.) and that the shed in the backyard had managed to survive. As we talked we kept on being reminded of the things we would never see again. The furniture that my grandfather had made for us, my mother's wedding dress, my dad's cherished teddy bear, my grandmother's blue china and jewelry. I remembered how just two weeks before my mother had been so excited to show me the wedding pictures and first family photo album that she had recently come across again. She had just found a picture of Willie and I when we were young and hung it among our other family pictures on our staircase. Laura and Ben often showed their pride in their rooms and asked me to come up and see how they had uniquely decorated their rooms. It represented their personalities with UT Longhorns spread across Ben's room and Laura as a princess.

And then I witnessed their bravery, courage, and optimism as my brother Benjamin quoted my dad saying, "My house is gone but my home is eternal." As my sister Shannon in response to those who are offering support to my family with prayers said, "Thanks everyone. We're not the only ones pray for all of Bastrop please. My family is safe! :)" And my sister Laura echoing that plea for others in Bastrop.

Tuesday morning I went out and got breakfast tacos for my family. My father made a house payment on the house that no longer stood, he cancelled bills that were no longer needed, and continued to talk to Insurance Agents. My mother talked with a sister and broke down in tears of heartache for the loss of the house and gratefulness for the safety of my family and the strength that we were all feeling from being together and realizing that what we had was of most importance. We laughed and made jokes. I realized that my brother Seth will now be added to the other RM's in our family who left from one house and came home to another. We chuckled at that thought and began jokingly making plans for how we could avoid that happening with the last 3 who plan to serve missions. :) My father called Seth's mission president and explained that he would have to forgive him because the emotions came in waves and there were points when he felt as strong as Nephi and then moments when the emotions overtook him and he was bawling. Seth's mission president let Seth know that we were safe and later that day we received this e-mail from him.

"Hey family, glad to here everybody is safe. This morning while talking to my mission president I cried, but most of them were tears of joy for the safety that you all received, and then the others were for the hardships that you all must be going through. I am praying for y'all and I pray that you all might be strong and unite together as a family in these difficult times. These are great and terrible times. Those who put there faith in God have no need to fear. Dad I love how you talked about, how the house may be gone but the family is eternal, that is so true. It also makes me think of the quote 'home is where the heart is.' Mom I imagine this is pretty tough for you, but as Laura told me the story of how you were at the house when the fire started across the street, I just had this movie play through my head of you just being super brave and strong and just going forth and taking charge. Mom you and Dad are honestly such spiritual giants in my life. I'm really interested to see how the ward and stake and community pull together out there. I feel like there will be much opportunity for growth, because many times its not until we are backed up against the wall that we see the ladder over the top. I remember with 9-11 how the nation pulled together and turned to God, I really hope to see that happen there. There is a quote that I saw out here that I really like it says, 'Fight like a real man get down on your knees and pray.' So remember family as times are tough, fight like real men or women and pray and the ladder of escape will appear. Man i got so many questions for y'all but I suppose the most will be answered with time. My main questions are where y'all are staying at, and what y'alls plans are for living and school for the next little while.

I imagine y'all are super busy. Remember to take the time to find solace in prayer and reading the scriptures. Well i love you all so much keep fighting the good fight."

I felt it well expressed the strength and courage that I witnessed from all of my family on this day.

Tuesday afternoon we headed over to the house to assess the overall damage.
When we arrived we found that a fire had come from the back side of the house burned down the shed and left only the frame of a van that we had used as a trailer, it had also taken the lives of ~ 20 of our ducks and chickens. The goats, turkeys, and several other ducks and chickens were able to escape to the far side of the lot until the fire was again put out. Our cat, blueberry, was still unknown, until later that evening I had received a text from Lisa Leigh Kelly from KEYE TV thinking she had seen our cat running around the property. I found out later that they had even called out to my family on the news saying that they had found our cat. One of our friends in the Bastrop area had seen it, let my family know and went and rescued the cat for us. We were grateful!

As we were there surveying the damage news reporters floated in and out all day taking pictures of us, doing interviews and even live newsfeeds from our plot. Later that evening we went home to find these pictures on dozens of news stories throughout the country. We received multiple texts and comments of friends that had seen my family on the news.

Throughout the day many cars drove by surveying the damage, and slowing down to take pictures. One young man had stopped his car and gotten out and walked around the back of our house surveying the damage. As he walked around us and listened to our comments to one another he said to me, "ya'll are in such good spirits for what you have just lost." We had been sifting around and Nathan found a bell that my mother collected fully in tact, we found a copper jello tin with an impression of a duck on it that had been my grandmothers, a few pieces of pottery that both of my sisters had created, and later a fireman found a piece of my grandmothers blue china. What beautiful finds with just a little soot on them. My brother Ben found a really cool piece of metal underneath the van that had melted into a cool pattern which we plan on hanging in our next house when it is rebuilt. I found my family full of optimism, hope, compassion for others, gratitude, and love.

As I drove back to my apartment late Tuesday evening I found myself overcome with emotion because of the strength and power of my family and the many miracles and blessings I had consistently witnessed that day. Because of the strong faith my parents exemplify and have taught to each of their children. They indeed will leave a wonderful and lasting legacy for my family. My mother may not have heirlooms to pass onto us in the future, but they have given us the greatest gift we could have ever asked for and that is our eternal family. I know that my family will make it through this hardship successfully and even endure it well because they know the strength of the Lord and the power of Unity! I thought that I had come to be the support pillar for my family and in reality each member of my family was a pillar of strength to one another.

My Fasting Miracle!

Today I had the most wonderful surprise.

I was reunited with a friend who is one of the most bravest, strongest and beautiful women I know.

She was my mission mom.

And today the Lord answered my prayers and fast and helped my heart to understand that there are beautiful things in store for me.

In such a beautiful and simple unexpected moment he filled my heart with joy, gratitude and love.

Elder Uchtdorf said, "Our destiny is greater than we can imagine. If only we understood who we are and what is in store for us, our hearts would overflow with such gratitude and happiness that it would enlighten even the darkest sorrows with the light and love of God, our Heavenly Father."

I fasted for that understanding today and it came in an unexpected and beautiful way.

I love you Tiffany!

My Fasting Miracle!

Girlfriends are a Tender Mercy

"Girlfriends are a tender Mercy" ~ Tamara Kelm

This is a truth spoken eloquently.

I can share my hearts fears and aches and know that I will be validated and then encouraged and inspired. I can share my joys and know that I will get squeals of delight and happy dances.

At the beginning of this year I took a trip with a few of these girlfriends and we found a magnet of Rosie the Riveter stating "We can do it!"

I didn't know then how fitting that phrase was going to be this year as we all have had new and different challenges in our lives. We have reached out to each other for love and support in these challenges and have become better women for doing so.

I love Rosie the Riveter because she reminds me of the strength I have as a woman and when I feel alone, I am reminded that "We can do it."

Too bad you can't see my current guns, they are looking pretty awesome ;)

Invisible sign

Sometimes I ask myself if I am wearing a sign that says

"Mormon* men don't ask me on a date."

Seriously?

I'm Beautiful
I'm Spiritual
I laugh
I have fun
I can take a joke
I work out
I'm smart
...

Is that not good enough for you?

I heard a talk given by Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf today.

Amidst his much wisdom he said,

"Sometimes they are wondering why no one asks them out."

I could relate!

Here is me in an attempt at taking off the sign that I am apparently blinded to.

I am sure I will regret this post in the morning

I will get pity comments, others who think I am too emotional, others who think I am to honest for the world to see, and then there will be other women who feel the exact same way as I do, "Why don't I get asked out, I am amazing!"

All I really wanted to do was rant** and shout out to the amazing women in the world who love and give and yet at times feel neglected.

* I specify mormon because I get asked out often enough by men who are not mormon. Apparently they are also blinded to the sign.
** So please don't leave a comment saying "you will find your one true love someday", I get it, I don't want a pity party, I am releasing so I can move on and enjoy the fact that I will be traveling this next month to West Palm Beach, Florida; San Diego, California; Salt Lake City, Utah. My life is not one to be pitied. It is one to be jealous of. :) I get to live an amazing single life and prepare for my one true love! Rock on! ;)

Forget Men

I am now in LOVE with these!
Unless a Man wants to buy me these! ;)

Epic Summer Adventure: Canyonlands National Park

What an adventure this park was.

Probably my favorite of all hikes was in this park.

I want to go back and backpack it some day, instead of just a long day hike.

We did half a day (June 15) at Island in the Sky District of Canyonlands, where we viewed the sites and took short little hikes. We reserved most of our hiking for The Needles District.

This is Mesa Arch. Short hike - .5 miles round trip easy trail, 100 ft elevation change.

The other hike we did was Upheaval Dome which was a moderate trail, 0.8 mile round trip and a 100 foot elevation change.

Total Hike Island in the sky: ~ 1.3 miles, probably about 1.5.

June 17

After our adventure in Arches we drove down to the Needles District
We camped inside the park this time.

We started our hike at the Elephant Hill Trailhead. This park was the most backcountry park that we had been to. Driving out to the trail head in our rental car was slow and steady since a lot of it was on unpaved and tiny one lane roads with sharp curves and dropoffs. It wasn't too bad unless you met a car coming the opposite direction.

This is a park known for Four Wheel Drives. We saw a lot of jeeps. Elephant Hill is also the beginning of a treacherous Four-Wheel Drive Road. Before we started on the trail up we saw a suburban start to go up and I thought to myself, you are crazy you won't fit. JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE A FOUR-WHEEL DRIVE DOESN'T MEAN IT IS A SMART IDEA TO GO UP ELEPHANT HILL. Lesson learned make sure you are in a jeep. They got stuck because there suburban was too big.

Here is the description for the drive: "One of the most technical four-wheel-drive roads in Utah, Elephant Hill presents drivers with steep grades, loose rock, stair step drops, tight turns, and backing." Again may I say, "What were you thinking?"

Chesler Park Loop / Joint Trail 11 mile (oops we made a wrong turn and made it 12 miles) ~ 6 hours.

Here is the reason it is called Elephant Hill, do you see the head with the trunk. Luckily we had someone we met on the trail point it out to us. Otherwise we probably would have walked on by without noticing.

The next pictures was my favorite part of all the hikes!

This is what our friend we met on the trail named the Cairn graveyard. :)

The other hike we went on was Pothole Point ~ .6 mile ~ 30 minutes. easy short hike.

That night we went to hear a ranger talk, which was fun and educational. In the process we learned that the birds out there were quick to grab food left alone for only a minute. Too bad we didn't get a picture of Elizabeth and I running back to our campfire where we had left our dinner briefly. Luckily the birds hadn't found it yet.

Total Day Hike ~ 12.6

Total Park Hike ~ 14.1

Off to Mesa Verde on my birthday!!